o my debilitating ire
it's halloween everyday because nothing's scarier than being inside a girl's mind.
when consciousness stirs i feel like a bomb. all this rage blisters and consumes me, tinnitus rings in my ears counting my breaths; . . 3 . . 6 . . 9, it’s D-day in a nuclear dystopia the zombies are out but these heads are all hollow what should they feast on? that distant field of cattle stands eerie, anticipatingly, not a familiar eye in sight. the pink blossom trees in Auckland are crying, and atuk stares at me from down under. his birthday bash is six feet below i wail with FOMO; wonder when i’d attend? i bet the maggots are having a blast. i’m a nasty greedy girl carnivorous for more she can handle gluttony gorges on this hole in your stomach, the acid’s pouring out baby. outperformance, ambition, grit, my synapses have never felt this desolate. there’s a shackled attic lying dormant inside the sinews of my heart there are girls aged 4, 9, and 12 trapped under, their voices rubbed raw from screaming. all their thoughts dancing in the ether of this ecosystem inside me. i am where dreams and laughter leave to die. reality is perceived only by my eyes and this barrier between life and something else grows fickle i see the shimmering everyday, threatening to break. this mucous membrane trying to keep me contained like an incubator of life is burning me as if i’m already in hell i’m on his stovetop but i’d wish he’d just give it up and return our love to us instead of this hunger and grief and suffering and guilt and evil. but maybe we’re a breeding ground full of sin and he has no hand to play for this carnage. even if that pen of his has wrote every line of thought a million times for the next trillion dynasties and this poem had always been foretold, every line a premonition of disobedience and sorrow. living on sadness while hungry makes for a dangerous mixture, i’ll eat a tunnel through your body and hide where it’s warm. i’ve ever only wanted to be held. how do you celebrate a day of birth when they’re no longer here? where is the triumph in life when all that’s left is the stark silence of their death? i’m missing you today aruah. i hope you hear me screaming.
late for halloween but!